Growing up, I never went to the doctor. Well, not really. My doctor was my pediatrician, a family friend of ours who I went and saw at his house whenever I had a specific problem. I did this for 23 years. I never saw anyone else. I never got a true physical. Until last week. Given the fact that I am an independent young adult now with a variety of illnesses in my family history, I decided that it was time for me to grow up, be a man, and see an “adult doctor.” So I got a recommendation from my roommate, and made an appointment with one.
I’m not going to lie. I was scared.
On the day of the appointment, I showed up, filled out the forms and answered a bunch of questions to the medical assistants and the doctor. He was nice. “This isn’t so bad,” I thought. But then he had me dress down into just my underwear and a robe (better described as “big paper towel”), saying fancy words like “EKG” and “blood tests” which got me a little worried.
But the medical assistant was really nice and made me feel calm about it all. EKG’s sound scary, and even look scary, but are actually not that scary. And the blood tests went fine. I thought it was funny that I was doing the whole heroin-addict wrapping of the bicep and clenching of the fist. She said, “Oooh I found a good vein!” and I wasn’ t sure if that was a good thing or bad thing. Does that mean I’d be a good junkie? Also, I was a little nervous about sitting there in just my underwear and a big paper towel, but I guess it was to make using the EKG machine easier.
So I thought. A few minutes later the doctor came in to do the last part of the physical. He said some words, some dirty words that still haunt me to this day.
Drop your boxers so I can check your testicles.
Oh man. I briefly froze, but realized I couldn’t let him see my fear. I complied, while dozens of thoughts swirled through my head….
Ohmigod ohmigod ohmigod. Is he serious? This is so wierd. Is he going to touch them? I’m glad it wasn’t cold out today. What’s he going to do?!
“This is a very simple check for lumps or other signs of testicular cancer.”
Oh. My. God. This. Man’s. Hands. Are. On. My. Balls.
“Most cases of testicular cancer occur on men in their 20s and 30s.”
How long is this going to go on?!
“Its very important that you do this kind of check at home.”
Do not giggle, Amish. Do NOT giggle!
“It only takes a few seconds.”
This feels like an eternity!
“Well, that’s it Amish. Everything looks fine. We’ll let you know the results of your blood tests in a few days. It was a pleasure meeting you.”
Oh God, I’m supposed to shake your hand now?!?!?!
